Recovery or Relapse: Booze, Fags, and Findom. A Tale of Three Addictions and details of my attempts at recovery.

Three Addictions that are ruining my life. Alcohol, Cigarettes, and something that still isn't being talked about in addiction circles, but is very much on the scene, a fetish called Findom. I've looked for findom recovery literature. There is none. The spellchecker doesn't recognise it either. So I'm writing a blog. With little knowledge except [...]


Therapy: Rescuer. Grief.

I just had a therapy session and so I'm writing down my thoughts, probably not in a very orderly way, because I'm trying to allow the ideas to come to me spontaneously and it was a tough session. Some of these points were discussed and others were not discussed. I'm sorry if this is somewhat [...]

Findom Article Links

https://www.mediavsreality.com/mediavsreality/2019/4/24/online-findom-and-the-addiction-enablers Excellent summary of all that is wrong about findom, and recognising findoms as addiction enablers something I have had to contend with myself when trying to leave the 'community', and why it is so important not to engage with this self-justifying community on twitter, and other social media on a very interesting blog about [...]

Relapsing and regaining focus. Short-term reading list (1). The Void.

This is the first holiday that I have had where I have been so distracted, and felt so dreadful that I haven't managed to read a book the whole way through. I am not happy about this situation at all. I used to be an absolutely voracious reader, not of pulp fiction, don't get me [...]

Day 23. Irritable. New Phone.

Just went for a run because I was craving cigarettes after my new phone took me two and a half hours to set up. Probably because I just went at the damn thing without a proper plan in place. But also because of all the two-tier bloody authorisation of everything, which requires your old device [...]

Day 22. Just Feeling Shitty and Angry Today.

It has been a mad 22 days since I started my 1000 day odyssey. Most of these days my writings have been about how little control I have over myself I suppose. But today, I have managed to give up my three addictions, all three of them for two days now. So, worked up to [...]

Quit Dates: Relapse dates.

Okay, so I finally feel confident enough in an effort to write down my quits dates just so I have a record of them to go back to. Findom- Quit July 27th Alcohol Saturday Quit 3rd August. Cigarettes. Tuesday Quit 6th August. I will record any lapses. I won't however count them as relapses if [...]

Day 21. Suicidal Ideation Is No Big Deal.

I'm doing okay. I mean I feel like absolute shit. So awful. But I'm doing okay. I have been sober since Saturday, and I haven't bought cigarettes today. So that is that. The findom addiction has died off for a few days too. Since the 27th of last month, so I guess that's ten days [...]

Small Goals: For Motivation

I'm feeling really low energy. I've had a low level virus that has made me feel crappy. I have no motivation to do anything. In fact it is a miracle I am writing this. I haven't fixed my phone yet because it was constantly triggering a wish to engage with inappropriate behaviours. As a result [...]

Broken. Self-Care

My relationship is broken, my finances are broken, and my mobile phone is broken. I feel like I'm slipping away from myself. I'm horribly frightened at the moment. I hate myself. I don't trust myself. But mostly I am frightened. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I'm having the odd thought of suicide, [...]

Small Relapse After a Tough Week, Have to Keep Going. Feel Like a Massive (insert expletive.)

Day eight, and a small relapse. Could get messy, but will try to limit the damage. I feel horrible. I went on holiday and got findom triggered badly. And the constant noise of other people was too much. I couldn't cope. It was unbearable. I'm not making excuses. I couldn't bear it. It was meant [...]

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