Just went for a run because I was craving cigarettes after my new phone took me two and a half hours to set up. Probably because I just went at the damn thing without a proper plan in place. But also because of all the two-tier bloody authorisation of everything, which requires your old device to be working, because they want to send codes to it, in order to allow access to your apple accounts.
Tried finding ways round it. Failed. Probably because I’m suffering from brain death insomnia.
So, I want a fucking fag bad. And I also was disturbed to find that some findom fantasising came back. Amazing what can trigger you really, I was watching a series called Mr Robot, and it is about a hacker who wants to take down an evil multinational corporation. I mean it’s a bit of a crazy show, and I went upstairs and typed in findom hacker, and low and behold, women will hack your computer if you ask them to. Amazing. So then the itch starts, what would that be like, how is it done, would it be scary, would I enjoy it. Never mind the first thoughts which should come to me, like…erm…you literally have no money…and…erm…weren’t you reading Marcus Aurelius earlier, and thinking how relevant his meditations seemed for your own situation?…and…erm…weren’t you thinking that since you are mad and pissed off, and sad you might as well try to live correctly, at least for as many days as you can and live a depressed, intense, but ultimately good life that you can be proud of? When did you have that thought?…Oh, about an hour ago? So what…now you think it’s okay to be curious about this stuff, and isn’t the woman’s picture pretty, and triggering, and exciting.
Just about kept my grip on that one. For fuck’s sake. I literally thought I was safe as I’d had no thoughts of findom for days. Big mistake.
Buuuut. Today’s main enemy is that fucker nicotine. I’ve been craving since first thing. I had resolved to get right stuck into Allen Carr’s book:
https://www.penguin.co.uk/books/218/21822/the-only-way-to-stop-smoking-permanently/9781405916387.html
But of course then I got stuck trying to set my phone up, and then my landlord came round to look at a window, and I had to shower and have lunch and I have got bugger all done. I suppose I’m on holiday and it doesn’t matter. And I don’t know whether I’l hang on with the cigarettes today but I should really try. After all, the only way to change is to actually do it. Anyway, I have therapy today. And an AA session later. All will be well.
I’d like to say thank you to anybody who has ever commented and supported me so far. I know many of my problems are of my own making, but that doesn’t seem to make it any easier to understand why I have been unable to learn not to make mistakes. I am grateful for messages of support. Thank you.
Recovery: Resilience, Positivity, Perseverance 